So, I had the idea to restart a blog about 2 and a half years ago. A lot of good that did....
Anyways, here I am, x days later, more mature, yet less so, happier, yet more unsure about everything.
I am clearly gay.
Wow, that was hard to say 2 years ago. With that said, I am happily in a relationship with a great man who gives me joy and fulfills all I'm truly looking for in a mate.
My recent dilemma has been a silly one at best. I have been attempting to make gay friends.
As simple as that should be for a gay man (of course, it is not simple, I'm sure, for anyone... its just feels like it comes easier for some more than others...), I have found it exceedingly difficult this last year. My "other" is content in his solitude, happy to spend an entire day(s) without human interaction. I, on the other hand, must surround myself with people at all times or face the consequences of my own boring life.
Until this year, I really only ventured so far as to have friends that resembled my former life. Think straight girl friends. I have a (yes, 1) straight guy friend who I hang out with regularly, albeit it is with his straight-girl wife most of the time. But with some aligning of the stars I finally made a friend at work who happens to be lesbian. While I don't consider her to be a "gay" friend in the sense of the purpose of this post, she is truly my best gay friend who supports me in my struggles. I can always confide in her. It pains me to have to say goodbye to her so soon in the spring of next year when she will leave for the east coast to pursue further education. Upon hearing this news, I asked her to help me find her "replacement", hopefully in the form of a male gay friend who I should theoretically have even more in common with.
Along the way to finding said "replacement", I realized the journey would be exceedingly difficult. In my mind, the ideal gay best friend would be attractive. The only problem is I am attracted to attractive men, and thus find myself eye-raping anything that remotely resembles my "type" (this is a very wide range, so picture, um, every man...). It would be less of a problem if I were single, but alas, I am not. I do not want to mess up the good thing I have with other for some fling that would leave me guilty, empty, and alone in the long run. I went down that path a few times in the first year of our relationship, and I felt like such complete trash afterward that it has left a lasting impression on me. Yet still, I am tempted all the time.
Thus my dilemma. So I was recently introduced to a friend of a friend of a friend who was really hot and on paper fit the bill for being a future good friend, or at least an acquaintance I could begin to get to know better. A seemingly nice guy with a religious background not entirely unlike mine who might actually have a good influence on me. Well, not an extremely bad influence anyway... Yet I recognized immediately that putting myself in the position again where I would be tempted to cheat would not be in my best interest without a change. I almost wrote this guy off, settling to just try again later with someone less attractive when the time came. Instead, I decided to face the underlying issues and work on the root of the problem: my wondering eye. I am working to increase my awareness of how I look at and think of men. When I can, I correct myself, take a step back and a deep breath, and try again to be normal. There is no reason for me to lust after these guys when I already have a guy. It is just innate and a habit I trained so intently on when I was single that it is hard to get rid of. But I'm trying, and I think I'm progressing. At least a little.
Last night was my first trial run to see if I could control my thoughts. While it didn't go off without some minor glitches, I was able to make it through the night without setting myself back any which I am thankful for. Lesbian friend and I were invited for a Halloween dinner and movie at friend of a friend of a friend's house, with 4 other gay men. They were all fabulous, really wonderful nice and sincere guys with whom I could see myself forming friendships with given the right amount of nurturing. I was even able to see the host as just a friend rather than a piece of meat. This was a huge step, considering how much I had worried about this during the last few weeks. I won't likely venture down that path with him again, which is progress.
However, one of the other guests fit the bill for everything I find attractive in a man. Short, thin, tight fitting clothes, a cute smile, a simple innocence to his look, an unexplainable sexy fluidity and grace in the way he stands up from a couch, you know the important things... It goes without saying that I caught myself staring several times at his body rather than his face. I was very aware of this and would avert my eyes as quickly as I reasonably could each time. I was also jealous of the fact that his partner was so openly affectionate with him when my own avoids PDA like the plague. This is one of my compromises in our relationship that I consider worth it, though sometimes it leaves me longing for more attention (wow, I'm needy).
Anyway, the point is that, overall, the night was a success, and I walked away feeling better about my ability to face and resist temptation in order to make friends with my own demographic. I don't want to put too much pressure on forcing anything that doesn't come naturally, so we will just wait and see if any of these friends pan out. But at least it gives me the confidence to know that I can make gay friends, and one day I will at least have a few gay friends as opposed to none at the moment.
